Rage
I am going to RAGEFUCK to death the entire population of the entire fucking world. Any CUNT that talks in a movie cinema deserves to be killed. I usually lean to the left on political issues, not on this one. All must die. And now: Narnia.

I have a not-inconsiderable affection for the Narnia books. I read them when I was unfeasibly young and reread them pretty often as I was growing up. I get violently obstreperous whenever I see people moaning about the religious allegory inherent in the books - for those of you that don't know, the entire thing is Lewis' paean to Christianity. Some atheists get fucking bolshy when they talk about this, as if the nefarious evil of the dirty JesusLion could somehow corrupt young minds and make them into dirty fundies. I hate them for it. Even in my worst teenage years of evangelist atheism, I never got on my high horse about the terrible threat of a fantasy land ruled by a JesusLion.

Anyway, Narnia. I loathe that Harry Potter paved the way for it, and obviously influences every scene. Ghastly J.K.-come-lately with her vapid, middle-class-secretary-friendly charmless nonsense. It honestly disgusts me. Sickening. Anyway, the plot of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe - or, as it has somehow become, 'Narnia', despite TLTW&TW being a fantastically better title, presumably to reassure the plebs that yes, this is a series, there will be more of them - is as follows:

Lucy, Susan, Peter and Edmund are hiding out from the dirty Jerries in a set hastily borrowed from the Harry Potter films and created by Americans who love the opportunity to make real the magical fantasy land of 1940s Britain. The children quickly point out their character traits - in wartime Britain, character trait rationing was in full effect and thus the children are only allowed one each. Susan is so cold and rational that she makes the Terminator look like Papa Smurf, Peter is The Leader, Lucy - charming Lucy, always my favourite character from the books - is innocent, and Edmund is Starscream.

After some obviously inaccurate 1940s dialogue, the Children are sucked in by the unstoppable attractive force of The Plot, and they wind up in a mystical fantasy land, after the audience is wallopped over the head a few times that the Professor has some experience with magic. PERHAPS THEY COULD MAKE A PREQUEL! God, the very thought. Lucy runs into Mr. Tumnus, who is so close to being a kiddie-fiddler that even I, with my premeditated intent to NOT detect any dodgy subtext, had to concede that yes, there's a bit of innuendo there. Anyway, Pimpmaster Tumnus bones the fuck out of Lucy off-screen for a while and it's love - so what can you do?

Jadis The White Witch turns up and fumes with rage that nobody notices how outrageously-dressed she is. Personally I thought the spiky ice crown was pushing it, but clearly she's dealing with people who need these things impressing upon them. Look, she says smugly, I can command the entire special effects budget with merely a drop of this magical liquid. Also, such is my power that I have here one of the 2005 model Oompa-Loompas.

Suddenly, it's Trigger from Only Fools And Horses! He reassures everyone that Delboy will be here soon to save Narnia. Lucy smiles charmingly and as she does, the music that signifies Magic Is Happening starts to play. Thanks, soundtrack guys! I wouldn't notice any of these fucking fauns or magic talking beavers or evil witch queens or anything if you didn't go "daa daa DAAA da DAAAAAAA!" every time one showed up on the fucking screen!

Jadis has returned! This time she is DEFINITELY going to be noticed, because she's come as a giant cornetto. Infuriatingly, nobody says anything, so she turns everything to stone. But enough of that! Edmund has betrayed everyone! Luckily, Qui-Gon Aslan has the capability to forgive him, even as he sacrifices himself in his place and lets the White Witch totally do a Queer Eye For The Straight Lion on him. Jadis, however, decides that it's gone horrifically wrongly, and she just has to stab him to death after reading from the Generic Fantasy Villain Handbook for a few pages. Aslan, however, has a trick up his sleeve - he knows full well that he's a big fat Lion-shaped Jesus allegory, and so totally comes back from the dead, citing the AD&D player's handbook as he does so.

After that there's nothing else for it but to have an immense game of Warhammer Fantasy Battle, and so they do. The Pevensies, however, having just come from 1940s Britain, have some fantastic combat tips for the cloven-hoofed horse-ninjas: AIR SUPPORT. We meant to make the objects explosive, they say, but never mind, tally-bally-ho and all that. Peter is having a bit of a moment of self-doubt, but luckily Edmund has been watching a bunch of classic war films just previously, and tells him that dammit Pete! Those men are counting on you! They damn well need a hero and you have to get out there and show them that the fighting spirit of the Allies is still out there! Now get out there and lead them! Peter laughs, because unbenownst to Edmund, they've repaid him for his treachery by giving him a helmet that looks exactly like a penis.

Anyway, Aslan returns with all of his gang, and totally rips the fuck out of Jadis in probably the most satisfying lion-based disembowelling ever, showing the Romans that two can jolly well play that game. Straight after that, they have an award ceremony. Everyone's there, even Chewie and Han, and they've polished up R2-D2 specially. Luke smiles, and the classic John Williams music comes in. Written and directed by George Lucas before his neck magically transformed into a beard and jumper!

I liked it, overall. Every single dodgy modernist line made me cringe with nausea, but at least they tried. I loathe just how Hollywoodised it was. Every scene and character motivation had to be telegraphed clearly for the fucking retards in the audience who can't work out that Edmund feels really bad about totally betraying everyone and causing the JesusLion to be completely stabbed to death on the Stone Metaphor.

Lucy was good. Every time she cried I totally believed it. They should have had her cry constantly. Edmund was fucking super. Susan was a bit iffy. Peter was terrible. All animals were good, especially the wolves. Aslan was flawless. Best JesusLion EVER. I suppose it was pretty faithful, all told. I really hope they do a bunch more and dial down a bit of the plummy British charm. The Magician's Nephew's my favourite - that one features The Secret Origin Of Everything from the perspective of The Professor, back when he was young enough to engender the pre-teen market's audience identification factor. I'm not sure if I can face The Voyage Of The Dawntreader, since it's going to be two hours of Hollywood telling me how a talking mouse with a sword should look.